ARE YOU MARRIED? STOP TALKING.
Holy shit this is a new chapter in my young life. This is almost as momentous as when I got my period for the first time when I was in the 5th grade (early bloomer, yeah, TMI blahblahblah..), and I had to call my friend crying over loss of my youth, because I had to cancel our ice skating play date.
THE NEW CHAPTER: I officially have to start looking at men’s ring fingers. Shit motherfucker, this weekend was a test for me, and also another reminder as to why I am terrified of commitment. Because men are triflin’.
MARRIED GUY #1 - you kissed me. you shamelessly flirted with me. and then I saw the ring on your finger and the photos of your kids, and I Houdini-ed out of there.
MARRIED GUY #2 - we talked for a long time - so engaging. This was not shameless flirtation by any means, but I was still bummed to find that ring on your finger and when you said, “MY WIFE…” WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING SITTING IN MY LIVING ROOM AT 1 IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU’RE MARRIED?
DIVORCED GUY - Yeah. You’re divorced. Is this supposed to be some sort of consolation prize, Universe?
THIS GUY IS THE WORST
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